Reader,
A few months ago, I downloaded alllllll the dating apps. I’m pretty content being single, but I started to wonder if I was missing out (spoiler: I am not). I could and maybe should make a separate post about that experience, but today I wanted to talk about one detail I noticed during my time on the apps.
That detail would be hobbies.
The Problem With Common Interests
I noticed a the algorithms seemed to suggest matches based on shared interests and hobbies, which is probably obvious and logical. But as I was swiping through, thinking “not another photographer,” it occurred to me that this was a problem.
I had put my most common hobbies or interests because I want someone who loves and accepts those things about me. (This is especially true because society at large has proclaimed my interests to be boring, and I don’t want to be with someone who thinks I’m boring. I want someone who is interested in me, and therefore cares about my interests.) The problem was, I didn’t want to date someone who did those things, too.
A lot of my main interests right now, since I am single and spend a lot of time alone, are things that I prefer to do alone. I have plenty of things I’d love to do with someone else, but since I don’t have anyone to do them with, I don’t do them. It felt like lying to advertise myself as the sort of person I’d like to be or could be, rather than who I am.
The other thing is, I really like to be alone. In fact, I’m so much happier single than I’ve ever been in a relationship. I’m at a point now where I have a pretty clear idea of who I want to be and what I want my life to look like, with or without someone else. If I were to live my life with a partner, I would want someone who aligns with what I envision for myself. I’d never ask somebody to change who they are for me, so it makes sense to know what to be clear about from the get go.
Reader, She’s Making More Lists
I did what I do best. I made a list.
I wrote down all of the things I’d like to be doing in my day-to-day life. Then I thought about which I prefer to do alone, which I will only do with someone, and which I’d enjoy either way.
Here is a snippet.
Alone: painting, photography, playing piano, reading, meditating, walking, writing, yoga/stretching
Together: going to shows, amusement parks, concerts, museums, zoos, markets, fairs, and exhibits; board games; going out to brunch, dinner, or cafes; kayaking, hiking, and swimming
Either: baking, cooking, crafts, gardening, legos and puzzles, trying new things, chill video games
That’s Right, Folks, She Asked AI
I did what I always do next. I asked Chat GPT what it thought about my lists. Specifically, I wanted to find a way to articulate what I noticed.
For example, my “Alone” hobbies are what I do to maintain my physical and mental health. They keep my body strong, my mind clear, and my emotions in check, all in the spirit of personal growth. It’s important to me that any future partner of mine has those same values, even if I don’t necessarily want to do those specific things together.
ChatGPT gave me the following values.
“Alone” Values: health, self-care, introspection, creativity, personal growth, independence.
Look for someone who respects your need for alone time and has their own solo activities. They should value self-care, personal growth, and health, even if they don’t share the exact same practices.
“Together” Values: connection, shared experiences, building memories, exploration, fun, companionship.
Look for someone adventurous and open to exploring with you, who enjoys a balance of spontaneity and low-key, and who cherishes quality time.
“Either” Values: adaptability, curiosity, collaboration, growth.
Look for someone flexible who is open to trying new things, who can be a good team member or engage in parallel play.
I thought this was pretty interesting. I’m now more aware of the why rather than the what regarding another part of myself. The values show me why those things (the whats) matter to me, so I have a better idea of the traits my ideal life partner will have. In that way, it doesn’t matter how my future partner likes to take care of their health, just that they do.
So often it feels like relationship advice comes down to checking off items on your list for compatibility. (Attractive? Check. Has a job? Check. Wants kids? Check. Isn’t abusive? Check.) People talk about it like they’re interviewing a job candidate or auditioning someone for a role. (And what do you bring to the table? No, babe, don’t propose like that, you’re supposed to do it this way.)
I already knew the box-checking approach didn’t work, but this helps lay out where I can go from there.
Devil’s Advocating Myself
First of all, obviously there’s so much more to consider. Trust, communication, respect, support, the same relationship goals, and a general agreement of how to live together, just to name a few.
Secondly, I’ve seen some people say that you don’t need to have the same hobbies or interests as long as your values align. I don’t personally agree with that, for myself. I don’t think that would work for me.
Except for my alone time (where I would need those aligned values), I want to enjoy the same activities as my partner. I want my partner to feel like my best friend. I don’t want one of us to always be compromising on what we want to do, just to appease the other. This thought-experiment has simply helped me clarify which shared interests to be looking for, as well as identify some other compatibility factors.
I don’t mean that I want someone identical to me, but when we are together, I want us both to feel content. Having a life partner implies a lot of time together. I’ve been in relationships where if we weren’t actively out and doing something (like dinner), getting it on, or figuring out domestic logistics, then we were basically just scrolling our phones and making plans with our own individual friends.
I do not want another relationship like that. It felt like I was going through the motions of being in a relationship because I was supposed to, not actively enjoying my life with somebody by my side. It honestly felt like a chore. I regularly thought about how if I didn’t have to be maintaining my relationship, I could be having so much more fun by myself.
I don’t want to date someone and then prefer the time I get to be away from them.
I want to build a blanket fort, drink wine, eat a cheeseboard, put on a sheet mask, and binge Disney Channel original movies on a random Tuesday night. I want to explore flea markets or craft fairs on a breezy Sunday after coffee and pancakes. I want to spend a couple Summer hours kayaking with a beverage or two, and then order takeout on the way home. I want to dress up like a dork and go to a Renaissance Faire and drink mead and eat turkey legs. I want to spend a snowy Winter evening by a fireplace playing Mario or Zelda.
This is how I want to spend my free time, freely and wholly. The kind of connection I dream about would mean a partner who wants those things, too.
And frankly, I’m not willing to settle.