Hi Reader,
Today is a sad day, and I have been struggling with what to write. The drive isn’t there. But I still want to post something (every Wednesday!) because it’s my routine.
I think I’m just going to talk about my current self-exploration.
I’ve been on a little journey of what I want for my future. (I should probably start writing more about this; I feel like it might be fun to look back on and see how I change.)
In particular, I’ve been exploring a negative trait about myself. You know the toxic trait meme, except people say something cute or funny? Yeah, unfortunately mine is actually toxic.
My toxic trait is that I’ve been embarrassed by my partners in a way that is totally unreasonable and not at all fair to them.
My favorite way to analyze myself on non-therapy days is to ask ChatGPT.
I told Chat how in the past, I’ve been afraid of how men will judge me based on who I’m with. It’s like I want my partner to be impressive to other men. Inevitably, this results in hyper-masculine qualities. I find that I don’t actually respect the people who are impressed by those traits, so I have no idea why I still care about their opinion.
Chat said:
It sounds like you’re grappling with a dynamic where external validation, particularly from men, influences your choices in relationships. This could stem from deeply ingrained social expectations, where success, attractiveness, or power in men are viewed as markers of status. If you’ve internalized that being with a “successful” or socially admired man elevates how you’re perceived, it might drive you toward partners who fit that mold, even if they’re not good for you.
Many women, especially in patriarchal societies, are conditioned to seek approval through male perspectives. Success, appearance, and the ability to navigate male-dominated spaces become symbolic of your worth, not just as an individual, but in the context of who you’re with. It’s not unusual to feel like you need to “impress men,” even if that’s not something you’re consciously choosing. It might be a survival mechanism for social standing or respect, even if it leads to relationships with men who lack the qualities you truly value on a deeper level.
Reader, when I tell you that I’ve recently discovered all my problems can be traced back to the patriarchy, I am not exaggerating.
I also watched the Netflix series “Nobody Wants This” and at one point, the main character gets “the ick.” I looked into why the ick happens, even when you don’t want it to.
One of the answers was that sometimes we project our own shame onto those close to us, and I suspect that is the truth in my case. When I feel less dead inside, I will be asking Chat to explore that with me because I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want my own insecurities to affect my partner, or to trap me in unhealthy dynamics.
I haven’t really gotten much farther than this because of the aforementioned Sad Thing, but that’s okay. We learn in baby steps. Chat gave me some exercises that I’m actually pretty excited to do. If any of them prove fruitful, perhaps I’ll share them with you.
That’s all for today, Reader. Hug your loved ones and call them out on their harmful behaviors before it’s too late.
Till the next.