The following post will be about Lists #1, #2, and #4 from this post, if you want to follow along. You can read about List #3 here.
Reminder
Remember, Reader, I am not a therapist. Feel free to take this exercise to your therapist if you feel like you need support.
To refresh, if you were following my list format:
1- Women who annoyed me and I couldn’t really place why. There were people I knew in real life, content creators, celebrities, and characters. Oftentimes they were beloved by many fans. For me, something about them honestly just pissed me off.
2- All the characters in books or shows that I was “in love with” i.e. attracted to.
4- People I did not like, only these ones I could justify. I knew exactly what it was about them that bothered me.
List 1 – People I Don’t Like (for no good reason)
I made this list and list #2 in tandem, and doing so made me realize something. Let’s see if you can spot it before the big reveal, Reader.
Personally, this list was more likely than all the others to have people I knew in real life on it. I’m not going to name the people on my list because I’m not a snark page. Plus, since I realized how I really felt, I don’t dislike these women anymore.
Journaling Exercise
Our goal, Reader, is going to be seeing if these people have anything in common.
Step One
I want you to write one person’s name on your page. When you think of this person, what thoughts come to mind? What annoys you about this person? Why don’t you like them?
I’ll give you some examples from my list. Reader, forgive me, I’m about to sound petty and misogynistic.
Remember-
- Nobody ever has to see this list so you can say things to yourself that you’d never admit to others
- Be honest or it won’t work
- The point of this exercise is to grow
Person 1
- She cares too much about how she looks, why does she always need to dress so extra?
- She is so sexual, she uses that to get ahead.
- She acts like she is always in charge, why does she always think she’s the boss?
- She walks into a room like she owns the place, she should be more modest.
- She isn’t very nice. I don’t know why she is so powerful.
- I don’t think she’s as pretty as everyone acts like she is.
Person 2
- She’s overtly sexual, it’s so unnecessary.
- Why does everyone think she’s so pretty?
- She’s kind of a b*, she just says whatever she thinks without considering how it will affect others.
- She’s so self-centered.
Person 3
- She isn’t even that hot, I don’t know why everyone acts like she is.
- Why is she getting away with telling everyone what to do?
- She’s so rude and demanding.
- Why does she care so much about how she looks?
Person 4
- It’s so annoying how she puts herself out there like she’s talented when she’s just a beginner.
- She’s so cringe with her interests.
- She cares so much about how she looks, who has the time?
- She always dresses to show off her body, it’s so obvious.
Person 5
- She’s only popular because she’s the only woman in a male dominated field.
- She probably dresses like that to get attention.
Person 6
- She’s only famous because of her body.
- She acts sexy and that’s how she is successful.
- She’s such an imposter for talking about her interests like that, what does she know?
My list was longer, but this is enough for the next step.
Step Two
Now, transform your initial thoughts into one word or short phrase. If you need to, break it down into multiple parts (examples below).
Person 1
- She cares too much about how she looks, why does she always need to dress so extra? Stylish (personal aesthetic)
- She is so sexual, she uses that to get ahead. Sexy
- She acts like she is always in charge, why does she always think she’s the boss? Assertive
- She walks into a room like she owns the place, I don’t know why she is so powerful. Confident
- She should be more modest, she isn’t very nice. Unapologetic
- I don’t think she’s as pretty as everyone acts like she is. Curated beauty (hair, makeup)
Person 2
- She’s overtly sexual, it’s so unnecessary. Sexy
- Why does everyone think she’s so pretty? Curated beauty (hair, makeup), fit body (strong, flexible, curvy)
- She’s kind of a b*, she just says whatever she thinks without considering how it will affect others. Unapologetic
Person 3
- She isn’t even that hot, I don’t know why everyone acts like she is. Curated beauty (hair, makeup), fit body (strong, flexible, curvy)
- She’s so rude and demanding. Why is she getting away with telling everyone what to do? Assertive
Person 4
- It’s so annoying how she puts herself out there like she’s talented when she’s just a beginner. Confident
- She cares so much about how she looks, who has the time? Stylish (personal aesthetic)
- She always dresses to show off her body, it’s so obvious. Sexy
Person 5
- She’s only popular because she’s the only woman in a male dominated field. Confident, assertive
- She probably dresses like that to get attention. Sexy
Person 6
- She’s only famous because of her looks. Curated beauty (hair, makeup), fit body (strong, flexible, curvy)
- She acts sexy and that’s how she is successful. Sexy
- She’s such an imposter for talking about her interests like that, what does she know? Confident
Step Three
List out the qualities and remove duplicates.
My example:
- stylish (personal aesthetic)
- sexy
- assertive
- confident
- unapologetic
- curated beauty (hair, makeup)
- fit body (strong, flexible, curvy)
Now, I rephrased it to myself. To do the same, stop imagining a particular person and just take the traits.
Would I really not like a woman because she was sexy and assertive? Would I be mad that a woman was beautiful, strong, and unapologetic? No, certainly not.
In fact, I want to be that myself.
And that right there is the reality of the situation. These women represented something I wanted. They had personality traits I lacked- traits I wasn’t sure would even be possible for me to have- and that made me resent them. I was jealous.
(I feel it important to note that women are often raised to believe we’re all in competition, which may influence why you might feel jealous instead of inspired. Nothing some self-reflection and good intention can’t undo!)
Growth Opportunity
But I wanted to know more- why these particular women? There were other women that I could easily identify as being beautiful or confident- why did these ones bother me when the other women didn’t?
You’ll need to reflect to answer that for yourself, but I can tell you my answer.
I considered myself rather well-dressed, but I didn’t have a particular aesthetic and I envied women who did. I considered myself averagely attractive, but I never felt sexy or powerful with my body (I often feel detached from my body). I spent a lot of life being told that women should be soft-spoken and gentle; these confident, assertive, and unapologetic women were breaking the barriers of the box I forced myself into, and I held it against them. I was following hair and beauty trends as opposed to finding what worked for me, all of which contributes to someone’s personal aesthetic. I was very thin and too busy to work on my strength or flexibility; I resented women who were powerfully strong, impressively bendy, and softly curved, because I wanted it and I couldn’t have it.
These women were my personal flavor of unattainably sexy, of well-dressed, of powerful and beautiful and strong.
Would you look at that, Reader. Now I essentially have a personal guide on what I want to work on. Embracing myself and my interests. Putting myself out there. Putting more effort into how I look. Putting in the time to improve my physical fitness. Standing up for myself.
As a fun bonus, whenever I feel the same jealous feeling creeping up with a new woman, I can stop it from making me petty and bitter. I pause, I find the source of the feeling, and I make a mental note that I would like to feel more secure in that area of my life.
List 2 – Characters I’m In Love With
This list is much easier to work with, but perhaps won’t give you the results you expect. Let’s begin.
Journaling Exercise
Much the same, I want you to write down a person on your list, and then list out what attracts you to that person.
You can then consolidate your qualities into a simpler list of characteristics.
My list is as follows: leader, assertive, confident, well-dressed, fit body, attractive, sexy, intelligent, unapologetic, mysterious, strong sense of self.
Does this list sound fairly familiar, Reader? It did to me.
Here’s the big reveal: it sounded a lot like the list of women I was jealous of.
Hidden Meaning
I made this list with the expectation of narrowing in on what I want in a partner, but instead, I had a revelation.
I’d already determined the women from List #1 had traits that I wasn’t sure I could cultivate in myself. The people on List #2 also had these traits.
Was I looking for a partner who would bring those traits into my life for me, since I didn’t think I could do it myself?
They say you should become the sort of person who your ideal partner would want to be with. I think I took it a step further and realized that I simply wanted to become my ideal partner.
I want to be an assertive, confident, intelligent, mysterious, unapologetic, well-dressed, attractive, sexy leader, with a fit body and strong sense of self.
In truth, Reader, I don’t think you can really write out attraction, like my original intention with this list. It isn’t a checklist; it’s chemistry, it’s connection, it’s the vibe.
List 3 – People I Don’t Like
I actually don’t dislike many people, and I hesitate to use the word hate. For better or worse, I don’t think I “hate” anyone, because I try to always see things from their perspective. I try to consider why someone would act the way they do. We are all the result of unique experiences, shaping our personalities and world views.
THAT SAID, I’m human. There certainly are some qualities that I really f-ing despise. So even if you feel the way I do about hating people, you may be able to identify characteristics that you hate.
Journaling Exercise
You know the drill by now, Reader. Write down the name of someone you hate, or someone who annoys you with good reason. Now list off what it is that you don’t like.
It may only be one quality, that’s fine.
Maybe you wrote down the coworker who always complains about their life. What is it about that, specifically, that bothers you? Is it that they don’t respect your time? Is it that they always complain about the same thing, and do nothing to fix the problem? Is it that they open up about their life to you instead of keeping it private? Are they invading your space?
Write it down!
I’ll give you some examples from my own:
- Person complains about not liking something but does nothing to change it.
- Person does not respect others and uses them.
- Person is lazy and puts things off, then runs out of time and makes it everyone else’s problem.
- Person doesn’t follow through on things they say they’ll do.
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…
Surely you see where I’m going with this. All of these lists have been exploring one fact- our reactions to other people reflect deeper truths about ourselves.
It’s possible that the things you don’t like about these other people are also things you don’t like about yourself. It’s possible that this reflection is why they bother you. Projection, baby.
I mean, there are lots of annoying people out there, are there not? And yet, they don’t all bother you, do they? There is a reason that certain people or qualities stick with us more than others.
Let me expose myself with my example.
Person complains about not liking something but does nothing to change it.
Reader, I do that. Do you know how many times I’ve complained about a relationship or a job to my friends, only to stay in that same place for months or years afterwards? Change is hard! Humans are programmed to pick the easier way of life.
Person does not respect others and uses them.
I’d like to think that I don’t do this, but you know what I seem to do? Let people like this into my life. If someone is disrespecting your boundaries, your time, your feelings, whatever it is, then cut them out of your life!!! Take responsibility. Life isn’t happening to you, you do have some control. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Person is lazy and puts things off, then runs out of time and makes it everyone else’s problem.
As Taylor Swift said, it’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. I do that. I am the procrastination queen (any fellow ADHD-ers out there?) and when I finally get the drive to Do The Thing, I want everyone to get out of my way and leave me alone.
Person doesn’t follow through on things they say they’ll do.
Also me! I think I mostly do this to myself. I want to start something, do something, become something, and then I never end up doing it. And then I sit there, bitter at other people who are doing it, because I want to and I am not.
Growth Opportunity
I think the revelations of this list might be a bit much for a stranger on the Internet to guide you through, but feel free to take it to a professional. Congratulations, now you know what to work on!
But what I will say is that I hope this list reminds you to be compassionate, both to yourself and to others. Remember that we are all flawed.
We can’t change other people but we can change ourselves and our involvement with others.
That’s all for now, folks
If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is what I do for fun. I like to know why I operate the way that I do.
Now that we’ve gotten through all of this, I hope maybe you understand a bit more about me and where I’m coming from, as well as where I hope to be going.
Feel free to stick around for the journey! You’re welcome to come along for the ride.
Till the next.